I am a control freak. I feel the compulsive need to plan, organize, create lists and constantly be in control of my life...and whoever else's I "think" I can control. Case in point in eighth grade I wrote a story about what my wedding would one day look like. 7 years later when I got married the only thing that had changed from the story was the groom (I know shocking I didn't marry my 13-year-old self's crush!) and the church. And to be completely honest if I had had my way and not given my husband-to-be any say we would have been married in my sweet hometown church.
My husband and I were married at 10:30 Saturday morning on a beautiful sunny July day in 2003. Aside from a REALLY creepy limo driver and a flower girl who wasn't interested in having her pictures taken, the day went exactly as I had planned...demanded...threatened....we'll just go with planned.
After a breathtaking honeymoon in riviera, Mexico. once realizing there was an entire country to explore besides our suite, we set off exploring the Mayan ruins, snorkeling, diving, off cliffs, ATV tours through the jungle, plenty of R&R, and a lot of yummy tropical mixed drinks. We returned home to start our lives as newly weds which brought with it a new plan. Kevin went back to work right away. I was still in college so I got to enjoy the rest of my summer vacay. My plan was to finish my b.s. degree and graduate spring of 2005. I would then work for about three years before we would start our family. Ever hear the phrase "we make plans, God laughs"? Well he must have thought my plan was down right hysterical! We were married July 12, 2003. Unbeknownst to us on about October 13, 2003 a very big very unplanned surprise was conceived. If you have done the math we were married three months before we got pregnant....not my 5 year plan. So plans change I have always wanted to be a mama and wasn't going to let "my plans" ruin an experience I had longed for as long as I could remember. I finished out my junior year of college, finishing April and may at home because my belly no longer fit under the desks. Our son was due July 4, 2004. I was so sure he would be here before or on the 4th he had a whole drawer full of patriotic little outfits. June came and went, July 4th came and went. July 12, 2004 we celebrated our first anniversary. That evening we went in for an ob appointment to find out I was not even dilated, Dr. Kegel said he would see me next week I promptly burst in to tears, I wanted this kid out weeks ago I was extremely hormonal and emotional and at that moment I was positive being pregnant for yet another week would most certainly kill me! Being the kind man Dr. K is, he sent us right over to the hospital to be induced. 16min. Shy of 24hours later we welcomed our 8lb, 12oz, 21 3/4in son Collin into the world. I have never in my life been so happy to see my carefully constructed plans destroyed because what God had in store for me was so, so much better.
I'm very stubborn and hardheaded, great qualities I know. But I am slowly but surely learning to trust in God and wait on his timing. I have always wanted a large family and since we ended up having our first child when I was 21 I was sure we would be done before I turned 30. Well we have two sons ages 8 and 4 and i will be turning 30 in 10 short weeks and no we aren't even trying right now. I long to add more babies to our family almost as much as I need air to breath. But the timing just hasn't been right? For awhile now my goal had been to get pregnant this dec. but I know with every fiber of my being that that isn't God's plan for us. Often, God has to reel me back in and I am learning to hear ever so clearly "wait daughter" whispered across my heart. So now my prayer is simply this, " Lord you have blessed us with two beautiful healthy sons. If these are the only children we are meant to have, still I will stand and praise you. But Lord you created me you know my deepest desires and the longings of my heart. You told me to seek and I would find, knock and the door would be opened, ask and it shall be added unto you. So Lord I'm asking in Jesus' precious name that if it's your will Lord you would bless us with more healthy children in your timing. In your holy name, amen."
When my mind and heart are cluttered with my plans and lists and all my worries and fears. I find it becomes too loud within me to hear God's voice. Daily I must meet with Him and hand over the control and remember His grace is sufficient for me.
Has your life gotten to noisy that you can no longer feel Gods gentle proddings or hear him whisper softly across your heart. Find some quiet time to meet with the Lord. No matter where you may be or how long it may have been since you've called out to Him. He will meet you wherever you are.
In Christ,
MKAYL
No comments:
Post a Comment