The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of The Lord.

When I think about the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Friday morning, I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feel. As I think of precious kindergartners being lined up and shot execution style it breaks my heart. But since I found out about this I have had a very clear picture in my head of what I think those final minutes in the back of that classroom were like. Of course the children were terrified, but I believe there was somehow a sense of peace as well. Because whenever I think about those children I see Jesus sitting with them huddled in the back of the room. We may have tried to keep God out of our schools but the God and savior I know loves all the little children. He says many times through scripture, let the little children come to me. And to enter heaven one must have the faith of a little child. So I believe without a doubt that each of those children though terrified felt Jesus right there along side of them. Why didn't Jesus intervene if He was there? I don't know but I do know that God gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.   As Christians we are to praise God through all circumstances. Sometimes that is extremely extremely hard. My simple prayer when I can't understand the "why's" is this, "the Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of The Lord."

This morning in my women's bible study during our devotional time, this story was read.

'TWAS 11 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38

when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.

their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.

they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

they were filled with such such joy, they didn't know what to say.

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.

"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.

"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."

when what to their wondering eyes did appear,

but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.

then He opened His arms and He called them by name.

and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring

those children all flew into the arms of their King

and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.

and as if He could read all the questions she had

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

then He looked down on earth, the world far below

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe

then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"

"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"

"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"

then He and the children stood up without a sound.

"come now my children, let me show you around."

excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran,
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA


Come quickly Jesus, come and heal our land.

How to forgive, How to heal...

After hearing the news of the sandy hook school shooting, my first instinct was to pick my kids up at school just so I could hug them because they are here and I am blessed to be able to hold them tight. I didn't do that I did pray I prayed for the victims families, for the family of Adam Lanza the shooter, and for those who survived. The only way they will be able to heal and move forward in their lives is to forgive Adam Lanza 7x70 times Jesus said. And that forgiveness will only come from the grace of Jesus Christ. I don't believe their is a soul among us who can forgive what he did to 20 small children and 6 adults, and the emotional damage he has left in his wake without the help of Jesus. My prayer is simple, " Lord be with us give us your compassion and grace so healing can begin. Bring peace to those who have lost loved ones, peace to children suffering from anxiety that the place they felt safe no longer is. Please Lord let us feel your arms holding us as you carry us through this unimaginable tragedy as a nation. You work all things to bring glory to you, help us to praise you through the pain. You giveth and you taketh away, blessed be your name. In Jesus holy name, amen."

I'm not a huge Carmen fan at all, I find most of his stuff extremely cheesy...but he hit the nail on the head with this song.

These are the lyrics and link to the song, America Again, by Carmen

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson 

Samuel Adams, First Chief Justice John Jay 

Names synonymous with the spirit of our country 

Founding fathers of the U.S.A. 

Over 200 years ago they shook off the chains of tyranny from Great Britain 

By divine call 

Citing 27 biblical violations they wrote the Declaration of Independence

With liberty and justice for all 

But something happened since Jefferson called the Bible the cornerstone 

For American liberty then put it in our schools as a light 

Or since "Give me liberty, or give me death," Patrick Henry said 

Our country was founded on the Gospel of Jesus Christ 

We eliminated God from the equation of American life 

Thus eliminating the reason this nation first began 

From beyond the grave I hear the voices of our founding fathers plead 

You need God in America again 

Of the 55 men who formed the Constitution

Fifty-two were active members of their church 

Founding fathers like Noah Webster who wrote the first dictionary 

Could literally quote the Bible chapter and verse 

James Madison said, "We've staked our future on our ability to follow 

The Ten Commandments with all our heart"

These men believed you couldn't even call yourself an American 

If you subvert the Word of God 

In his farewell address, Washington said, "You can't have national morality apart from religious principle," and it's true 

'Cause right now we have nearly 150,000 kids carrying guns 

To these war zones we call public schools 

In the '40's and '50's student problems were chewing gum and talking 

In the '90's, rape and murder are the trend 

The only way this nation can even hope to last this decade 

Is put God in America again 

The only hope for America is Jesus 

The only hope for our country is Him 

If we repent of our ways stand firm and say

We need God in America again 

Abe Lincoln said, "The philosophy of the classroom in one generation 

Will be the philosophy of government of the next" 

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]

So when you eliminate the Word of God from the classroom and politics

You eliminate the nation that Word protects

America is now number one in teen pregnancy and violent crime 

Number one in illiteracy, drug use, and divorce 

Everyday a new holocaust of 5,000 unborn die 

While pornography floods our streets like open sewers 

America's dead and dying hand is on the threshold of the Church 

While the spirit of Sodom and Gomorrah vex us all 

When it gets to the point where people would rather 

Come out of the closet than clean it 

It's a sign that the judgment of God is gonna fall 

If there's ever been a time to rise up Church, it's now 

And as the blood bought saints of the living God proclaim 

That it's time to sound the alarm from the Church house to the White House 

And say, "We want God in America again" 

I believe it's time for America to stand up and proclaim 

That one nation under God is our demand 

And send this evil lifestyle back to Satan where it came from 

And let the Word of God revive our dying land 

For Jesus Christ is coming back again in all His glory 

And every eye shall see Him on that day 

That's why a new anointing of God's power's coming on us 

To boldly tell the world you must be saved 

Because astrology won't save you, your horoscope won't save you 

The Bible says these things are all a farce 

If you're born again, you don't need to look to the stars for your answers 

'Cause you can look to the very One who made those stars 

History tells us time and time again 

To live like there's no God makes you a fool 

If you want to see kids live right 

Stop handing out condoms and start handing out the Word of God in schools 

The only hope for America is Jesus 

The only hope for our country is Him 

If we repent of our ways 

Stand firm and say 

We need God in America again 

We need God in America 

God in America 

God in America again

these lyrics are submitted by Anonymous

What I Learned In My Twenties

As I sit here closing one chapter of my life and getting ready to start another, I've had some time to reflect over what I have learned and experienced in the last decade. I got married at age 20, and then had to learn that everyday of your marriage isn't like your wedding day it takes hard work, love, determination, prayer, tears, and lots of patience to sustain a great marriage. I learned how to love unconditionally in October of 2003 when I found out SURPRISE we were expecting our first child, though not planed by us but planned by God the best surprise of my life. I learned that I was an excellent parent before I had children...my children were never going to throw tantrums, because I would always lovingly get down to eye level and explain the whys and how comes to prevent frustration...then my child turned 3 and I found myself at times in public completely mortified at my tantruming toddler who didn't have any interest in an explanation, he just wanted to do things his way! ( now into my second round of toddler tantrums I don't find myself mortified of my child's behavior. Funny how much you learn to relax the second time around!) I learned that an " I wuv you" can turn an awful day into a wonderful one. I learned God's timing is not my timing through many frustrating lessons. The first was trying to get pregnant with our second child...when you get pregnant on birth control you assume when you are actually trying it would happen right away. It took seven months of my impatience trying to make it my way, calendars, ovulation testing kits...it wasn't until I was in tears praying one night and cried out to God that I couldn't take this disappointment month after month anymore all I wanted was a baby right now. That night I surrendered all my plans to God and said if it is your will to bless us with another child we will praise you. If we are only meant to have been blessed with one child, we will praise you. I got pregnant the following month, and started to learn a new lesson. A strong-willed child may behave that way even in the womb. I had a difficult pregnancy. Most was spent on bed rest due to degenerative disk disease, and the towards the end preeclampsia. I would have to go in weekly for non-stress tests to monitor Ryan's heart rate and for contractions. Not once was Ryan agreeable to this every time he would hide so they couldn't find his heart beat and would have to do ultrasounds to find him. I should have realized then what I was getting into with this kid! Ryan was born 5.5 weeks early he wasn't breathing when he was born and they had to bag him to get him breathing and rush him to NICU, thankfully he started breathing and I was able to hear him cry before he left my room. I have never in my life known fear like that and pray I never have to experience it again. Within 24 hours he was off the nasal cannula and four days later was able to come home. I've dealt with anxiety and some depression though manageable most of my life. When Ryan was one I was diagnosed bi-polar I have never felt so out of control before. But once again, my God is mighty to save and he saw us through a very scary and dark time of hospitalizations, not being able to see my kids, and trying to find the correct medications. God put in our path amazing physicians who helped me crawl out of the despair and find the light again. In my twenties I sadly had to say goodbye to my grandfather. It was hard to say goodbye, but I feel so blessed that he got to spend so much time with his great-grandsons and that they both have memories of him and talk about him regularly it just warms my heart that they remember him, love him, and talk about seeing him again in heaven. As hard as it was to say goodbye, it was wonderful to say hello to new family members. When I married my husband, I inherited another set of parents, two sets of grandparents, a brother and a sister. About two years ago I gained two more sisters when my brother married his wife and my brother-in-law married his wife. I found out in my twenties, that I will become an aunt for the first time in my thirties. My brother and sister-in-law are expecting my first niece or nephew this spring and I couldn't be more excited.

The final year of my twenties has by far been the most difficult and the most rewarding. I took responsibility for my life to make it better. I started seeing a christian therapist to help me work through my anxiety, depression, and other mental emotional issues. After weekly and sometimes twice weekly sessions we have now decided to make the visits monthly, and continue to taper off from there. I lost 100lbs this year and am on my way to being much healthier, I feel great and I love being able to be more active! My big goal was to be able to run a 5k before I turned 30 but my back started causing a lot of pain so after a third round of radio frequency ablation on my SI joints and an MRI to determine the cause of my thoracic pain we found out it was just muscular and nothing some hard work and physical therapy couldn't fix. So I am in my second week of PT and already have 50% more mobility than I did when I started two weeks ago. In the last month I really feel like I'm pulling out of a haze I've been living under and rediscovering who I am, and I couldn't be happier. The biggest lesson I learned in my twenties is to put my trust and faith in God alone. I can't handle everything life throws at me on my own but God can and He will if I am willing to step aside and let Him. The other lesson God has taught me this year is that His ways are not my ways and His timing is not my timing. And life goes much more smoothly when I am willing to stop fighting to have things my way and let God be in control.

So as I look ahead to the next chapter of my life, it is not with fear of getting older, but with excitement to see what God has in store for me. I'm excited to be starting this new chapter having a new outlook on life, a closer relationship with God,  being healthy physically and mentally, a deeper love for my husband, and the pure joy of watching my children grow.

And besides 30 is the new 20;)

Living By Faith or Living in a Fantasy World

Lately I have been feeling convicted/God prodding me to step out of my comfert zone and to truely life my life by faith. Trusting that He will provide for my needs ( we are assured of this in Matthew..."Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:31-33 and again in Luke He reassures us..."Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" Luke 12:22-24) and will never give me more than I can handle. ( He tells is in 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.)  As I have discussed this with other Christians and read blogs of other Christian families I realize this "radical faith" looks very different to many people. Some choose to not use birth control, and live debt free trusting God will provide and meet their needs. Others feel it's irresponsible to have another child unless you have x,y,and z.  Or to give up everything you have and move to another country to spread Gods word...but then their is the side that would say you should wait makes sure your financial backing is secure, or that part of the world is just to dangerous to move our family to....I think that what the "cautious faith" side might feel that the "radical faith" side is like the man on the roof during a flood. Have you heard this story? A man had to get to his roof because the flood waters had gotten so high in his home he cried out " Lord I know you are faithful save me please!" A little wile later another man in a canoe floated by and offered the man help. But the man said " no The Lord will save me" next a rescue boat came by still the man said " no, The Lord will save me." At this point a rescue helicopter flew overhead still the man refused saying " The Lord will save me". The flood waters had gotten so high the man was perched on his chimney again he cried out to the Lord " Lord, Lord why have you forsaken me? Why didn't you save me?" The Lord answered " I tried to save you three times, I sent a canoe, a rescue boat and a helicopter. You ignored my help."
I often have heard God helps those who help themselves. This is not biblically based, it is human created and therefore very flawed. I don't believe it's living in a fantasy land to live your life with radical faith as long as you aren't the man on the roof thinking you need to see God's own hand pluck you to safety. You need to rely on the Holy Spirit and be filled with the Holy Spirit to hear and obey it's prompting. I want to live my life with radical faith, I have been trying to make changes in certain areas of my life, living completely debt free and giving my worry and anxiety to God are two of the big areas I'm working on right now. There are other areas that I am praying hard to change but cannot do on my own I need The Lord to touch my husband and my children's hearts as well for them to want to live with radical faith. So for now I pray and grow deeper in my relationship with Christ and hope that one day my life will reflect that of a radical Christian so that when this game of life is over I can hear "well done thy good and faithful servant."


My apologies if this post is a bit randomly worded. It is 3:30am but I just couldn't sleep as this has been on my mind for awhile and it was time to get it out.

Radically,
MKAYL <3

Lost...

Intense feeling too often obscures the truth.

- Harry S. Truman

I feel lost in just about everything right now. Lost in my ability as a mother, a wife, a friend. Lost in depression, sorrow, and anxiety. Lost in a drug induced haze from a horrible medication I am trying to withdraw from. Wondering where the next phase of my life is going to take me, the list goes on and on...Plain and simple, I feel lost, wondering around trying to find my way out, but just finding dead ends lost. As I was thinking about this tonight it reminded me of one of my favorite childhood memories. When I was a little girl my aunt and uncle and two little cousins were living in London, England. The July when I was 5-years-old my family traveled "across the pond" for a visit. I have a lot of great memories from this trip, but one of my favorites is the day my daddy took just me to go and explore some castles and gardens. When were able to go through this amazing maze created by very tall hedges. We wondered through it for awhile eventually running into the same people over and over again. All lost. All trying to find a way out. Well my daddy is a tall man, and when a tall man puts his 5-year-old daughter on his shoulders it gives you the ability to see over the hedges and find your way out. 25 years later I don't remember how long we were actually in the maze but to a 5-year-old it doesn't take long for it to seem like an eternity and for the fear and anxiety to start to set in. But I never truly needed to fear we were lost for good, I was with my daddy and he never let anything bad happen to me. He found our way and led us out safely. I'm all but 30 now, but I'm still my daddy's little girl and more importantly than teaching me how to find my way out of a maze, my parents have taught me to take every worry, fear, and anxiety to my Heavenly Father. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25-33(NIV)

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

So if my Heavenly Father cares enough to make sure the sparrow finds his food. Then I know without a doubt He will pick me up and carry me on his shoulders out of this maze I have lost myself in. Because even if I can't find me right now, Christ knows exactly where I am and will hold me until my legs are steady enough for me to walk again.  I'll leave you with a quote from a very wise women, Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt ~With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

His strength is perfect
When our strength is gone
He'll carry us
When we can't carry on
Raised in His power
The weak become strong
His strength is perfect
His strength is perfect

Let Go, Let God, and be Forever Held,

MKAYL

A baby changes everything

This week I got a phone call I've been dreaming of for two long years. You see it has been two years now since my brother and my SIL An, and my husbands brother have gotten married. For the last two years I have been " Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' Plannin' and dreamin' each night" that I would get the call that I would be an aunt for the first time. Well that call came very early Wednesday morning. My baby brother called to tell me the wonderful news, that this spring I will indeed be an auntie! I am yet to stop grinning and praising God for this little miracle growing inside my sister. I can't wait to see my brother and An as parents. my brother is a great uncle and An is amazing with kids. oh fun story the first time i met An we were coming over to my parents for brunch to meet her and to get our boys who had spent the night. when we go close to my parents house it was surrounded by fire trucks. the alarm clock in my brothers room had started an electrical fire in the wall. had An not been there my brother might not be here today, as he was asleep at the time. if that doesn't make her amazing enough she also brought my kids out of the house and kept an eye on them while my parents talked to the rescue workers. clearly i think she is amazing:) did i mention she bakes too? For anyone that has met them you know that God designed them perfectly to complement each other, so I can only imagine how awesome this little peanut will be!
This is going to be one very well loved and spoiled kid, she(my guess), is already prayed over daily by her family, her family that consists of 4 big cousins all boys, 3 aunts, 3 uncles, 2sets of grandparents, great grandparents, and many more extended family already in love with this little peanut, God is SO Good!

Dear precious little one,
         You are so so tiny and yet already covered in love and prayer. God has created you for a special reason, I know this is true because he tells us so in Jeremiah 139:13-18 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book    before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. when I awake, I am still with you." Before any of us knew you were to be, Our father already knew every detail about you, your name the color of your eyes, even the numbers of hairs the will be on your head. Jesus loves you little one, and so do I, grow strong and then as the ice of winter melts away and the crocus' and daffodils start to peak through the cold ground and remind us of new life. Then too will we be able to great you and celebrate your new life. 
I love you,
Aunt MKAYL

It's All In The Timing...

I am a control freak. I feel the compulsive need to plan, organize, create lists and constantly be in control of my life...and whoever else's I "think" I can control. Case in point in eighth grade I wrote a story about what my wedding would one day look like. 7 years later when I got married the only thing that had changed from the story was the groom (I know shocking I didn't marry my 13-year-old self's crush!) and the church. And to be completely honest if I had had my way and not given my husband-to-be any say we would have been married in my sweet hometown church.

My husband and I were married at 10:30 Saturday morning on a beautiful sunny July day in 2003. Aside from a REALLY creepy limo driver and a flower girl who wasn't interested in having her pictures taken, the day went exactly as I had planned...demanded...threatened....we'll just go with planned.

After a breathtaking honeymoon in riviera, Mexico. once realizing there was an entire country to explore besides our suite, we set off exploring the Mayan ruins, snorkeling, diving, off cliffs, ATV tours through the jungle, plenty of R&R, and a lot of yummy tropical mixed drinks.  We returned home to start our lives as newly weds which brought with it a new plan.  Kevin went back to work right away. I was still in college so I got to enjoy the rest of my summer vacay. My plan was to finish my b.s. degree and graduate spring of 2005. I would then work for about three years before we would start our family. Ever hear the phrase "we make plans, God laughs"? Well he must have thought my plan was down right hysterical! We were married July 12, 2003. Unbeknownst to us on about October 13, 2003 a very big very unplanned surprise was conceived. If you have done the math we were married three months before we got pregnant....not my 5 year plan. So plans change I have always wanted to be a mama and wasn't going to let "my plans" ruin an experience I had longed for as long as I could remember. I finished out my junior year of college, finishing April and may at home because my belly no longer fit under the desks. Our son was due July 4, 2004. I was so sure he would be here before or on the 4th he had a whole drawer full of patriotic little outfits. June came and went, July 4th came and went. July 12, 2004 we celebrated our first anniversary. That evening we went in for an ob appointment to find out I was not even dilated, Dr. Kegel said he would see me next week I promptly burst in to tears, I wanted this kid out weeks ago I was extremely hormonal and emotional and at that moment I was positive being pregnant for yet another week would most certainly kill me! Being the kind man Dr. K is, he sent us right over to the hospital to be induced. 16min. Shy of 24hours later we welcomed our 8lb, 12oz, 21 3/4in son Collin into the world. I have never in my life been so happy to see my carefully constructed plans destroyed because what God had in store for me was so, so much better.

I'm very stubborn and hardheaded, great qualities I know. But I am slowly but surely learning to trust in God and wait on his timing. I have always wanted a large family and since we ended up having our first child when I was 21 I was sure we would be done before I turned 30. Well we have two sons ages 8 and 4 and i will be turning  30 in 10 short weeks and no we aren't even trying right now. I long to add more babies to our family almost as much as I need air to breath. But the timing just hasn't been right? For awhile now my goal had been to get pregnant this dec. but I know with every fiber of my being that that isn't God's plan for us. Often, God has to reel me back in and I am learning to hear ever so clearly "wait daughter" whispered across my heart. So now my prayer is simply this, " Lord you have blessed us with two beautiful healthy sons. If these are the only children we are meant to have, still I will stand and praise you. But Lord you created me you know my deepest desires and the longings of my heart. You told me to seek and I would find, knock and the door would be opened, ask and it shall be added unto you. So Lord I'm asking in Jesus' precious name that if it's your will Lord you would bless us with more healthy children in your timing. In your holy name, amen."

When my mind and heart are cluttered with my plans and lists and all my worries and fears. I find it becomes too loud within me to hear God's voice. Daily I must meet with Him and hand over the control and remember His grace is sufficient for me.

Has your life gotten to noisy that you can no longer feel Gods gentle proddings or hear him whisper softly across your heart. Find some quiet time to meet with the Lord. No matter where you may be or how long it may have been since you've called out to Him. He will meet you wherever you are.

In Christ,
MKAYL